One of the most misunderstood aspects of surrogacy is the assumption that once someone decides to move forward, the grief is over.

After all, there is finally a plan. There is a path forward. There is movement. For many intended parents, surrogacy represents possibility after a period of uncertainty, disappointment, or heartbreak. From the outside, it can look like the moment when everything starts getting better.

Sometimes it is.

What often goes unspoken is that surrogacy can also bring people face-to-face with losses they have not fully had the opportunity to acknowledge.

For some intended parents, that grief centers around infertility, pregnancy loss, or a medical condition that changed the course of their family-building journey. For others, the grief may have little to do with infertility at all. 

It may be the realization that family building is unfolding differently than they imagined. 

It may be grieving that pregnancy was never an option to begin with. 

It may be mourning a timeline, a relationship, a circumstance, or an expectation they assumed would one day be part of their story. 

The details vary from person to person, but the underlying experience is often remarkably similar.

Many people discover they are grieving a version of family building they thought they would have.

That realization can feel confusing because surrogacy is often associated with hope. And it should be. It creates opportunities that many families would not otherwise have. It allows people to pursue parenthood when other paths are unavailable. It can be deeply meaningful, empowering, and life-changing.

It can also be the moment when certain realities become impossible to ignore.

One of the things I wish more people understood about grief is that it is not limited to things we once had. Sometimes we grieve experiences we never got to have in the first place.

We grieve possibilities. We grieve expectations. We grieve futures we imagined long before we knew life would unfold differently.

A person who has experienced recurrent pregnancy loss may grieve the pregnancy they hoped would continue. A same-sex male couple may find themselves grieving the experience of pregnancy despite knowing surrogacy was always going to be part of their path to parenthood. A single parent by choice may grieve the version of family building they once imagined would happen within a partnership. Someone pursuing surrogacy after secondary infertility may grieve the realization that this chapter looks different than the last one did.

Different stories. Similar grief.

What makes this particularly difficult is that many intended parents feel guilty acknowledging these emotions. They worry that grieving somehow reflects a lack of gratitude for surrogacy. They tell themselves they should be focusing on the positive. They remind themselves how fortunate they are to have this option available.

Gratitude and grief are not opposites. One does not cancel out the other.

In fact, one of the most common emotional experiences in family building is discovering that some of the most hopeful moments also contain elements of loss.

You can feel grateful for your gestational carrier and still grieve not carrying a pregnancy. You can feel excited about becoming a parent and still mourn the path you expected to take. You can feel hopeful about the future while feeling sadness about what brought you here. Both can be true.

At Embra, we talk often about the relationship between grief and hope because they show up together so frequently in family building. Hope is what allows people to continue moving forward. It is what makes another consultation, another transfer, another conversation, or another step feel worthwhile.

Grief is what reminds us that something meaningful has been lost along the way.

Neither emotion is wrong. Neither emotion needs to win.

The goal is not to eliminate grief before moving forward with surrogacy. The goal is to recognize it when it shows up so it does not become something you feel pressured to carry alone.

Many intended parents enter surrogacy expecting relief. What surprises them is that relief and grief often arrive together. The moment they finally have a path forward may also be the moment they fully understand what they are leaving behind.

This is the emotional reality of surrogacy.

A Few Things Worth Remembering

If you find yourself grieving during a surrogacy journey, try not to assume it means you are uncertain about your decision. Grief does not automatically signal regret. It does not mean you are ungrateful. It does not mean you are focusing on the negative.

More often, it means you are fully appreciating the complexity of what family building requires.

The truth is that surrogacy can represent both a beginning and a goodbye. It can be a path toward parenthood while also marking the end of expectations, possibilities, or experiences you once imagined for yourself.

Making room for both realities does not weaken the journey. If anything, it allows you to move through it with greater honesty, self-awareness, and compassion. And that is often where emotional readiness begins.

Meet Dr. Sadaf

Dr. Sadaf Sahibzada, PsyD, LMFT, is the founder of Embra Health, where she specializes in the psychological aspects of surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and intended parent support. Through her writing, clinical work, and professional education, she is committed to helping people navigate family building with greater confidence while encouraging agencies and clinics to integrate mental health throughout the entire journey.