If you’ve ever caught yourself saying: “I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
You’re in good company.It’s one of the most common phrases I hear in family building.
Before a transfer. Before a match. Before a pregnancy test. Before a phone call. Before good news.
Sometimes people say it after they’ve already received good news.
What’s interesting is that most people believe they’re protecting themselves.
The assumption goes something like this:
“If I don’t let myself hope, it won’t hurt as much if things don’t work out.”
It sounds logical. Psychologically, however, the story is often more complicated.
In psychology, there is a concept called defensive pessimism. Defensive pessimism is a coping strategy where people intentionally lower their expectations in an attempt to manage anxiety and protect themselves from future disappointment.
In some situations, this strategy can be helpful. It can motivate preparation and planning.
In family building, however, many people unknowingly take it much further.
Instead of lowering expectations, they begin distancing themselves from hope entirely.
They stop imagining positive outcomes. They stop celebrating milestones. They stop allowing themselves to feel excited. They convince themselves that emotional detachment equals emotional protection.
The problem with this strategy is that reducing hope rarely reduces pain.
If a setback occurs, it still hurts. The disappointment still arrives. The grief still exists.
The only thing that changed is that you spent weeks or months deprived of the positive emotions that could have accompanied the waiting.
There is another psychological concept that helps explain this.
Neuroscientists often talk about the brain’s reward system, which is heavily influenced by dopamine. Contrary to popular belief, dopamine is not simply activated by rewards themselves. It is activated by the anticipation of rewards.
In other words, the possibility of something meaningful happening matters.
The anticipation matters. The looking forward matters. The imagining matters.
This doesn’t mean you should force yourself to feel optimistic.
It means that hope serves a psychological purpose.
Hope helps people tolerate uncertainty. Hope helps people continue moving forward. Hope helps people remain emotionally engaged in their lives.
When people repeatedly experience disappointment, however, the brain begins trying to prevent future pain.
That is where things become tricky, because the brain often confuses vulnerability with danger.
After enough setbacks, hope can start to feel risky, not because hope is dangerous. Because disappointment was painful.
Your brain learns:
“Last time I hoped, I got hurt.”
The brain’s conclusion becomes:
“Maybe hope is the problem.”
But hope was never the problem.
The uncertainty was painful. The loss was painful. The disappointment was painful.
Hope simply happened to be present when those things occurred.
A Question I Often Ask
When someone tells me they’re afraid to hope, I often ask:
“What do you think hope is doing?”
Most people answer:
“Making me vulnerable.”
Then I ask another question:
“What if hope isn’t a prediction?”
Pause for a moment before reading further.
Seriously.
Take ten seconds.
What if hope isn’t a prediction?
What if hope isn’t confidence?
What if hope isn’t certainty?
What if hope is simply a willingness to remain emotionally available to a future you care about?
That definition changes things.
Because suddenly hope is no longer responsible for protecting you from disappointment. Hope is simply allowing yourself to care.
The next time you catch yourself saying:
“I don’t want to get my hopes up,”
try replacing it with:
“I don’t know what will happen, but I’m willing to stay open to the possibility that something good could happen.”
Notice how different that feels.
One statement is trying to eliminate vulnerability. The other is acknowledging uncertainty while remaining emotionally present.
A Few Things Worth Remembering
If hope feels risky, there is probably a reason.
Your brain may be trying to protect you from pain it has experienced before. That response makes sense.
What may not make sense is asking yourself to stop caring in order to avoid getting hurt.
Family building requires enormous emotional courage. Hope is what will keep you going.
The people who make it through family building aren’t the ones who stop hoping. They’re the ones who learn how to hope without demanding certainty.
Meet Dr. Sadaf
Dr. Sadaf Sahibzada, PsyD, LMFT, is the founder of Embra Health, where she specializes in the psychological aspects of surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and intended parent support. Through her writing, clinical work, and professional education, she is committed to helping people navigate family building with greater confidence while encouraging agencies and clinics to integrate mental health throughout the entire journey.
