If you’ve ever found yourself scrolling through a surrogacy group, searching Reddit at midnight, or mentally calculating how long someone else’s journey took compared to yours, you’re not alone.
Most people assume comparison is about jealousy. In my experience, it usually isn’t.
Most intended parents aren’t looking at someone else’s success and thinking, “That should have been me.”
They’re thinking:
“Maybe their story can tell me what happens next in mine.”
That distinction matters.
Because what often looks like comparison is actually the brain trying to solve uncertainty.
One of the most important jobs of the human brain is prediction. Neuroscientists often describe the brain as a prediction machine. It is constantly scanning the environment, looking for patterns, and using those patterns to anticipate what might happen next.
Most of the time, this is incredibly useful.
If you touch a hot stove, your brain remembers.
If traffic is bad on a particular route, your brain adjusts.
If something dangerous happens, your brain learns from it.
The challenge is that family building is not particularly predictable.
There are too many variables. Too many timelines. Too many outcomes. Too many stories.
When certainty disappears, the brain starts looking for substitute data.
That’s where comparison often enters the picture.
Your brain is not necessarily looking for someone else’s life. It’s looking for clues.
In psychology, there’s a concept called Social Comparison Theory, which examines how people evaluate themselves by comparing their experiences to those of others. When situations feel uncertain, comparison tends to increase because the brain is searching for information that might reduce ambiguity.
This is why someone else’s timeline suddenly feels important.
Someone else’s transfer result feels relevant. Someone else’s match feels meaningful. Someone else’s pregnancy announcement feels impossible to ignore.
The brain quietly begins asking:
“What does this mean for me?”
Unfortunately, that’s where things become complicated.
Because another person’s story is not a forecast. It is a story.
And when we start treating other people’s experiences as predictions about our own future, comparison stops being informative and starts becoming distressing.
A successful journey does not guarantee yours will be successful.
A setback does not predict your own.
A fast timeline does not mean yours is delayed.
A delayed timeline does not mean yours will be too.
Yet the brain continues trying to connect dots that often aren’t connected.
This is particularly true during family building because the stakes feel so high.
The more something matters to us, the more desperately we want certainty about it. And when certainty isn’t available, comparison becomes one of the brain’s favorite substitutes.
The problem is that comparison creates the illusion of certainty without actually providing it.
You may temporarily feel like you’ve learned something.
But often you’ve simply given your anxiety more material to work with.
A Question I Often Ask
When someone tells me they can’t stop comparing their journey to other people’s, I often ask:
“Are you looking for information, or are you looking for certainty?”
Those are very different goals.
Information can be useful. Certainty is usually unavailable.
The next time you find yourself deep in someone else’s story, pause and ask yourself:
“What am I hoping to learn?”
If you’re gathering practical information, keep going.
If you’re hoping another person’s outcome will finally make you feel certain about your own, that’s a sign to step back.
Because no amount of comparison can provide what uncertainty is asking for.
One exercise I often suggest is keeping a simple distinction in mind:
Information helps me make decisions. Comparison tries to predict the future.
When you notice yourself slipping into comparison, gently redirect your attention back to what is actually true today.
Not what happened to someone else. Not what might happen tomorrow.
What is true right now.
That shift alone can dramatically reduce the amount of mental energy comparison consumes.
A Few Things Worth Remembering
Comparison is not a character flaw.
It is often an attempt to create predictability in an unpredictable situation.
Your brain is doing what brains do. It is gathering information and searching for patterns.
The challenge is that family building rarely follows someone else’s timeline.
Be curious about your tendency to compare. Don’t shame it. Just understand what it’s trying to accomplish.
Other people’s stories can offer perspective. They cannot tell you what happens next in yours.
Meet Dr. Sadaf
Dr. Sadaf Sahibzada, PsyD, LMFT, is the founder of Embra Health, where she specializes in the psychological aspects of surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and intended parent support. Through her writing, clinical work, and professional education, she is committed to helping people navigate family building with greater confidence while encouraging agencies and clinics to integrate mental health throughout the entire journey.
