If this title caught your attention, there is a good chance you’re waiting for something right now.
A match.
A donor.
A transfer.
A test result.
A phone call.
A medical update.
The next step.
One of the most common things I hear from intended parents is some version of:
“I thought I’d be better at this part.”
The “part” they’re referring to is waiting.
What often surprises people is that waiting can feel more emotionally exhausting than action. When there is paperwork to complete, decisions to make, appointments to attend, or plans to create, there is a sense of movement. Waiting feels different. Waiting can feel like being stuck.
The interesting thing is that research suggests the distress is not actually caused by waiting alone.
It’s caused by uncertainty.
Psychologists have spent decades studying something called intolerance of uncertainty, which refers to the tendency for the human brain to perceive uncertain situations as threatening. Research consistently shows that many people find uncertainty more distressing than negative outcomes they can predict. In other words, our brains often prefer a difficult answer over no answer at all.
That tendency makes a lot of sense from an evolutionary perspective. Human beings are wired to gather information, identify threats, and create plans. When something feels important, the brain naturally wants to solve it.
Family building presents a unique challenge.
Many of the most important outcomes cannot be solved.
You can carefully choose a clinic and still not know when a match will happen.
You can prepare for a transfer and still not know the outcome.
You can receive good news and still have unanswered questions.
The brain responds to these gaps by doing what it does best: searching.
Searching for information. Searching for reassurance. Searching for certainty.
The difficulty is not always the waiting itself. It’s the mind’s relentless attempt to make uncertainty feel predictable.
This is one reason family building can become so mentally consuming.
Many people begin checking email more frequently. Reading forums more often. Looking for timelines that resemble their own. Comparing their journey to other people’s experiences.
The intention is understandable. The brain is looking for clues.
The challenge is that family building rarely follows a predictable script. Other people’s outcomes do not tell us what will happen next in our own story.
Researchers studying anxiety have found that uncertainty tends to keep the brain activated. Unlike a problem that has a clear solution, uncertainty invites ongoing mental engagement. The mind stays alert because it believes the answer might arrive at any moment.
That can be exhausting.It can also create a subtle trap.
Many people begin organizing their lives around the next milestone.
“I’ll relax after the transfer.”
“I’ll feel better after the results.”
“I’ll enjoy myself once we know more.”
Unfortunately, family building has a way of moving the finish line. One milestone arrives, and another uncertainty takes its place.
A Question I Often Ask
When I notice someone feeling trapped by waiting, I often ask:
“What part of your life have you put on hold until you know more?”
Sometimes it’s travel.
Sometimes it’s a hobby.
Sometimes it’s friendships.
Sometimes it’s joy.
Research on psychological flexibility suggests that people tend to cope better with uncertainty when they continue investing in meaningful parts of life even while answers remain unclear. They stop treating certainty as a prerequisite for living.
That doesn’t mean pretending uncertainty isn’t difficult.It means refusing to let uncertainty become the organizing principle of your life.
This week, consider identifying one thing you’ve been postponing until you have more information about your family-building journey.
Then do it anyway.
Not because the uncertainty has disappeared. Because your life is happening now.
A Few Things Worth Remembering
Waiting is difficult because your brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do.
It is looking for answers.
It is trying to create predictability.
It is attempting to protect you from the discomfort of not knowing.
The goal is not to eliminate uncertainty.
The goal is to learn how to live alongside it.
Family building may be one chapter of your life. Try not to make it the condition for living the rest of it.
Meet Dr. Sadaf
Dr. Sadaf Sahibzada, PsyD, LMFT, is the founder of Embra Health, where she specializes in the psychological aspects of surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and intended parent support. Through her writing, clinical work, and professional education, she is committed to helping people navigate family building with greater confidence while encouraging agencies and clinics to integrate mental health throughout the entire journey.
