If someone you love is going through fertility treatment, surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, or another family-building journey, you’ve probably had this thought:
“I want to help…I’m just terrified of saying the wrong thing.”
If that’s you, you’re already starting from a good place, because your hesitation usually comes from caring.
Most people don’t say hurtful things because they’re unkind. They say them because they’re trying to make someone feel better.
The challenge is that when people we love are hurting, our brains naturally try to reduce discomfort. In psychology, this is sometimes referred to as distress reduction. We instinctively search for words that make the situation feel smaller, more hopeful, or easier to solve.
Unfortunately, that’s often the opposite of what someone navigating family building needs.
Most people aren’t looking for someone to fix the experience. They’re looking for someone who is willing to stay with them in it.
What We Know From Research
Research on emotional validation consistently shows that people cope better with difficult experiences when they feel understood before they feel reassured.
In other words…
Being understood often feels more supportive than being encouraged.
That’s an important distinction. It means you don’t need the perfect words. You need words that help the other person feel less alone.
What to Say Instead
Here are a few of the most common things people say- with a few alternatives that often feel more supportive.
Instead of:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Try:
“I don’t know why this is happening, but I need you to know I am here with you through it.”
Instead of:
“Just stay positive.”
Try:
“You don’t have to be positive with me. You can be honest.”
Instead of:
“At least…”
(At least you’re young. At least you already have one child. At least you know you can get pregnant.)
Try:
“I can see why this feels so important to you.”
Instead of:
“Any updates? How are things going?”
Try:
“Want to talk about how it’s going, or would you rather talk about literally anything else?”
Instead of:
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Try:
“I’m bringing dinner over on Thursday after your transfer. Will you be home by 6?”
Or:
“I’m free Saturday morning if you’d like company after your appointment.”
Specific support almost always feels easier to receive than open-ended offers.
Something I Want You to Notice
Pay attention to your own instinct when someone you love shares something painful.
Do you immediately start looking for:
The silver lining? A solution? A story about someone else? Advice? Hope?
Most of us do.
Not because we’re insensitive, but because we care.
The next time you notice that instinct, pause before asking yourself:
“What can I say to make this better?”
Try asking:
“What would help this person feel less alone right now?”
That single question often changes the entire conversation.
A Few Things Worth Remembering
You do not need to understand every part of someone’s family-building journey to support them well.
You do not need the perfect words. You do not need to know exactly what they’re feeling.
You simply need to create space where they don’t feel responsible for protecting you from their experience.
Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is:
“I’m here.”
Sometimes it’s:
“I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
Sometimes it’s saying very little at all.
Presence is often remembered far longer than perfect advice.
People rarely remember the exact words you used. They remember how safe they felt being honest with you.
Meet Dr. Sadaf
Dr. Sadaf Sahibzada, PsyD, LMFT, is the founder of Embra Health, where she specializes in the psychological aspects of surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and intended parent support. Through her writing, clinical work, and professional education, she is committed to helping people navigate family building with greater confidence while encouraging agencies and clinics to integrate mental health throughout the entire journey.
