For many people considering donation, future children feel very far away.
You may not even know if you want children. You may not have a partner. You may still be in college. You’re focused on the decision in front of you.
But one of the most meaningful conversations about donation may not happen until years after the medical process is over.
It may happen around your own dinner table.A curious child might ask:
“Have you ever helped another family have a baby?”
Or perhaps the conversation starts another way.
Maybe they learn about genetics in school. Maybe they ask why they look like you. Maybe they ask where babies come from. Maybe they discover your donation through another source.
The point isn’t to predict exactly how the conversation will happen. It’s to recognize that it might.
Thinking about that possibility now doesn’t mean you need all the answers today… it means you’re allowing your future self a seat at today’s decision.
The Psychology Behind the Decision
Developmental psychologists often talk about narrative identity.
Narrative identity is the idea that people make sense of themselves through the stories they hear and the stories they tell about their lives. Families do this too.
Every family develops its own narrative. How parents met. Where traditions come from. How children joined the family. The values the family lives by. Donation may eventually become one chapter in your family’s story.
The question isn’t simply whether you tell that story. It’s how you want that story to be understood.
What We Know From Research
Research on family communication consistently suggests that children tend to benefit from honest, developmentally appropriate conversations about important aspects of their family history.
Notice what that sentence does not say.
It does not say every family should have the same conversation. It does not say every culture approaches these conversations the same way. It does not say there is one correct timeline.
Family values. Cultural traditions. Religious beliefs. Privacy. Family dynamics. All of these influence how these conversations unfold.
Thoughtful parents often arrive at different decisions for good reasons. The common thread is intention.
Children generally do best when the adults around them have thoughtfully considered the story they want to tell and why.
A Question I Often Ask
Imagine your future child is sitting across from you twenty years from now and asks:
“What made you decide to become a donor?”
How would you answer? Not the logistical answer. The personal one.
Would you say you wanted to help another family?
Would you talk about generosity?
Compassion? Financial goals? Life circumstances?
What values would you hope your child hears underneath your answer?
That question often tells us much more than deciding whether or when disclosure should happen. It helps clarify what this decision means to you.
If You Ever Have This Conversation
Many future donors worry that if they choose to tell their children one day, they’ll have to find the perfect words.
The truth is, children rarely need perfect explanations. They just need honest ones.
One way you might begin that conversation could sound something like this:
“Before I had you, I had the opportunity to help another family have a child. They wanted to become parents, and I was in a position to help. It was a decision I thought carefully about, and one that felt right for me at that time in my life.”
If your child asks:
“Does that mean I have brothers or sisters?”
You might say:
“It means there may be children in the world who share some of my genetics. But families are built in many different ways. Those children belong to the family who loves them, raises them, and cares for them every day.”
If they ask:
“Why did you do it?”
You might answer:
“Because I believed helping another family become parents was a meaningful thing to do. It felt like one way I could make a difference in someone else’s life.”
Notice what these examples have in common. They’re calm. They’re honest. They’re age-appropriate. They don’t overwhelm children with information they didn’t ask for. They simply answer the question in front of them.
That’s often where the best family conversations begin.
Something Worth Thinking About
One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming this conversation has to be decided today. It doesn’t.
You will grow. Your future partner may have thoughts you’ve never considered. Your experiences as a parent may shape the way you think about openness, privacy, and identity.
Allow yourself room to evolve.
Good decisions don’t require predicting exactly how you’ll feel twenty years from now. They require acknowledging that twenty years from now will eventually come.
A Few Things Worth Remembering
Donation doesn’t just become part of another family’s story. It may become part of yours.
You don’t need to have every future conversation planned before becoming a donor. You should consider the kind of story you hope to tell one day. Leave room for your future family, your future children, and your future self to shape that story together.
The goal isn’t to script one perfect conversation. It’s to create a relationship where questions are always welcome.
The most meaningful family stories aren’t written all at once. They’re built through honest conversations, shared over a lifetime.
Meet Dr. Sadaf
Dr. Sadaf Sahibzada, PsyD, LMFT, is the founder of Embra Health, where she specializes in the psychological aspects of surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and intended parent support. Through her writing, clinical work, and professional education, she is committed to helping people navigate family building with greater confidence while encouraging agencies and clinics to integrate mental health throughout the entire journey.
References
Fivush, R. (2011). The development of autobiographical memory. Annual Review of Psychology, 62, 559–582.
McAdams, D. P., & McLean, K. C. (2013). Narrative identity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(3), 233–238.
Pasupathi, M. (2015). Autobiographical reasoning and life stories. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(3), 204–208.
Priddis, L., & Morgenthaler, T. (2020). Family communication, disclosure, and identity in donor conception: A review of contemporary
research. Human Fertility, 23(4), 245–254.
Tallandini, M. A., Zanchetin, L., Gronchi, G., & Morsan, V. (2016). Parental disclosure following assisted reproduction involving donor
gametes: A systematic review. Human Reproduction Update, 22(5), 615–629.
